Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
