...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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