I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
