I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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