My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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