just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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