Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
