he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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