I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
