I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
