we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
