Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
