I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Randomize
