I wish I could teleport
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
