I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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