It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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