I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
