I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
