What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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