Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
