We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
