Princesses don't give blow jobs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
