it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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