look no pants
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I touched a dick in church today
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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