Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
