Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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