$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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