from now on my penis is your penis
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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