I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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