yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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