What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
