Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
