You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
