i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
