When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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