I faked an abortion last night.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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