I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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