Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
