It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
