my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
