the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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