i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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