I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will be naked everywhere
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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