You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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