we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
