i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
