Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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