i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
