dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
