guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
